Process of Growth

For me, the last couple of months have been bogged down with a film of heaviness and not so gentle reminders that there are always going to be obstacles on our paths. Our paths, at times, feel straight and narrow and seem as though we can put them on autopilot. We get lost in our everyday lives, and if we are one of the lucky ones, we bask in those times of peace, soaking in every moment, consciously aware of the beauty that's within its edges. Beauty of calmness and stability. Beauty of deep, visceral love and mind blowing connection. Beauty in all forms and in all substance. We are conscious of these times because inevitably, and sometimes without too much warning, our paths become curvy and jagged, our feet hovering over the brakes, scared of making the wrong move but knowing we must keep some pressure on that gas pedal or we just may not make it out of the flames alive. 

In the last couple of months, my dear friend was losing his battle with cancer and I sat by his side, desperate to change the reality that was playing out before my eyes. Desperation seeping out of my pores yet I was powerless to the forces of nature that we just cannot comprehend, especially when we want to. I held his hand and listened to him breathe. I tried to make him laugh, but cried instead. He comforted me and I realized even more how powerful presence is. I watched as he slowly transitioned to his next journey and I will forever be thankful and honored that he chose me to spend his time with, especially in his final days. Ryan lived his life with purpose and it is because of him that I am sitting here today pondering these thoughts and finding the courage to share them with you all. 

Through all of this, I also went through a break up. I think we all could likely agree that breakups are never easy. Walking away from someone you once loved, is its own kind of death. These breakups inevitably cause pain and the pain eventually turns into scars. Depending on the nature of the split, which this time around was not pretty, the scars will indeed eventually fade away, but they often leave us with an ache that we  can’t see with your eyes, but surely feel to the core. 

It’s interesting isn’t it, how many chapters we go through and how fast they can change. Chapters of joy and chapters of sorrow, the never ending dance of living in a beautiful body that has deep emotions and powerful logic and visceral passion… all wrapped up intricately and ornately together.

Sitting with Ryan and sharing in the existential understanding that what is happening around us is all extremely temporary, has had me thinking a lot about our existence and what we want to do during our time here on earth. I think we all likely ponder this in some sort of way, some more than others. What do we want to accomplish? How do we want to live? Am I proud of who I am? Sitting with Ryan was another fierce reminder that it really does matter what we choose to do with our time. We do get to choose and it’s in this exact moment that we get to live into who we want to be.

For me, this chapter has me thinking a lot about how I can make changes to fully live into my values and purpose and who I want to be. These questions seep into my thoughts… How can I walk with purpose and intention? Who am I? What should I be doing to feel fulfilled? How can I stay ever present to what is happening in this exact moment so that I can fully connect with the beauty around me as I know too well that this time is fleeting and this too shall pass...

Those are a short list of questions that run through my mind to help me identify and reflect on my deep seeded truths... That said, we all have different questions and truths, all unique and equal in power.

To start my process of growth, I decided to sit down and google “core values”. I had a deep and vulnerable conversation with some friends last night and it reminded me that perhaps to start a process of growth, it’s first important to find and identify the core truths and values that are within ourselves already. The goal was to narrow down my list of values to my top 5- 7 that deeply resonate and make up the core of who I am.

It was fun and honestly pretty easy. Our truths are there, waiting to be listened to at any time. Through this exercise I found that the list I made was a magnetic and radiant representation of what is inside of me already. 

How amazing is that?! 

When we look inside ourselves, we all have these core values that drive our hearts and minds and it can be extremely powerful to take the time to sit in silence and name our truths. It is a gift that we can give ourselves, time to sit down and give energy towards these core truths that have made up who we are for so long. The idea with this exercise was that if I want to make changes, it is important to first reflect on who I am inside already, for those core values are what drive my heart and actions. Connecting with that beauty inside of me I can start to ask myself, is the way that I am currently living indeed in alignment with the core truths that resonate from within my soul? 

In this life I have found that the hard part is not necessarily making a change, it is becoming aware of what it is I want to change. Awareness is one of the most significant states or abilities we can achieve. It opens the door for growth and through that growth it opens the door for change. And change, of course, has endless possibilities. Change lets us develop and modify and reshape our lives. Maybe, just maybe, change is the catalyst for fully living into what it is we want to be and what it is we want to accomplish during our precious time here on earth. 

Cheers to this crazy life, y’all. Cheers to your hearts and mine, and all that is yet to come. 

Melissa